Coming to terms with burnout

Working theories on the past few chaotic years

The best part of my summer was the weekly, 3.5 hour drive from Dallas to Houston. Every Friday, after work, I hoisted my bicycle on my car and bolted to my friend’s place. This drive, the feeling of escaping my workplace and drawing closer to home, was liberating. It was the most profound feeling I felt all year – only matched by the agony when it was time for the return-drive.

At my friend’s, I found a place to let my guard down. To laugh. To ditch the pretense. To cry. To bike 30 miles. To eat. To flounder. To work on a problem that was not mine to carry. To catch sleep I chased all week. To breathe.

There was no hiding here. I didn’t want to hide. I didn’t need to hide.

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If you’re reading this, you’ve likely seen – even remarked – on some for the things I’ve managed this year: walking for Kansas City fashion week, these occasional essays, the spurts of activism, consulting at the writing center, student senate, the internship this summer, and the other side-quests (as I like to call them).

These things have all been cope. Me running from myself. Finding some new domain, becoming proficient, nourishing in it, using its momentum to drown my other failures, until the bubble bursts and the inevitable crash.

It’s the curse of being high functioning. (I don’t like that term but it works.) I seem to be able to muster a semblance of stability while the craziest situations fester in the background. You might be wondering, how crazy how we talking? Here’s a snapshot:

• I failed two-thirds of my classes this past spring

• I flopped my internship

• I allowed myself be ghosted by someone I loved for 7 months

• I got into a car crash a couple weeks ago that totaled my car

• I had another limerent lover admit to using using large language models to respond to me

• I got sued (court case tomorrow!)

• I developed insomnia (now kinda resolved :))

Simultaneously, I also:

• Trained for a triathlon

• Got a departmental award from the philosophy department (for being an outstanding Junior)

• Was a darn good student senator

• Drove a few thousand miles in the past 5 months

• Reconnected with some really cool friends

• Published some fun essays

• Developed a strong sense of personal style

• Walked two runway shows + will probably do NYFW this coming season.

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So yeah, I’m kinda tired. And that’s fine. :)

Write back!

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Wrote this is one sitting ~40 minutes as part of this one-shot essay experiment I am doing.

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Photo by Hannah Gibbs on Unsplash